Allen L Roland, PhD is a Freelance Alternative Press Online columnist. He is also a heart centered spiritual consultant, author and lecturer who also shares a weekly political and social commentary on his web site at AllenRoland.com. He also guest hosts Truthtalk, a national radio show that airs monthly. He is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements as well as private consultations via email at [email protected].

Roland is a twin who was born in Boston, Massachusetts, survived a dysfunctional family, pursued and lived his dreams, including becoming a Navy supersonic carrier pilot, finding himself by fully opening his heart, writing three books, siring four children ~ and is still living his ultimate dream by making a difference from a place of love, celebration and service.

His Ph.D dissertation THE UNIFIED FIELD was chosen by Common Boundary and Noetic Science Institute, in their 1998 national dissertation contest, as one of the top three finalists for combining spirituality and psychology. His ongoing heart centered work as a consultant with veterans with PTSD, is the most satisfying work of his life. Allen's online newsletter, columns and radio broadcasts are committed to the truth ~ as he sees it ~ for only the truth is revolutionary.


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The Seven Stages of Relationship – Very Few Get Beyond Stage Six

Relationship is a means to an end versus an end in itself. The true purpose of relationship is the full flowering of each partner but only those who conquer their fears by learning to consciously love can reach the ultimate seventh stage of relationship

 

by Allen L Roland

 

Most people are afraid of love because they are afraid of their deepest joy, delight and inner freedom and are, in essence, trapped by their fear of deep vulnerability and intimacy.

2013 will be a worldwide year of transition and no where will that be felt deeper than with individual love relationships.

In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being true to yourself is more important than the survival of the relationship! Let me illustrate this using Stendhal’s and Roland’s seven stages of a love relationship ~ In relationship, Love must evolve from emotional to conscious unconditional love and that transition doesn’t happen painlessly.

1. ADMIRATION ” I really admire you as a person “

2. BEGINNING OF DESIRE “I think I’d like to get to know you better.”

3. HOPE ” I hope you feel the same way about me ”

4. INCEPTION OF LOVE ” I think I’m falling in love with you ”

5. FIRST CRYSTALLIZATION ” I see the beauty and perfection within you ”

6. DOUBT, FEAR AND/OR JEALOUSY, ANGER AND RESENTMENT ” You’re going to hurt me or betray me like others have

This is where Stendhal ended his six stages of love for this is the stage where most, if not all, emotional relationships end with mutual anger, resentment or fear submerging all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier childhood or relationship hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face with the decisions we made at that time to repress and deny our deepest feelings ~ because there was seemingly no-one there for us. We can either run, as most people do, or go inside and go through these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability for these feelings and stop being a victim! You cannot escape stage six until you are willing to go inside, take total accountability for your actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great courage but the payoff is immense! Resentment doesn’t heal! Anger doesn’t heal! Only love truly heals!

7. ROLAND’S SECOND CRYSTALLIZATION ” I feel the beauty and perfection within myself and I’m sharing it with you and the world ”

This Stage cannot be accomplished unless we realize that our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness and an innate connection with source.

IT’S A PLACE OF INNER VERSUS OUTER VALIDATION !

Until I let go I cannot grow “, Great love can both take hold and let go.”  When we let go in relationship, you do not let go of the love. To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love your partner and yourself. Your self respect will be your guide. You must reach the place where you can say that it’s more important that I love myself than you loving me.

Conscious love (non-possessive, non-dependent and unconditional love) is rarely obtained between humans. The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the wish that the object should arrive at its own innate perfection ~ regardless of the consequences to the lover or partner. It is total unconditional love and when we come from this place we are embracing our deepest spiritual essence and are also accessing a state of soul consciousness within ourselves ( the Unified Field ).

The paradox of this attitude is that such love always invokes eventually a similar attitude in its objects because we all seek, at the deepest level, to be unconditionally loved. As such, when we allow love to be our guiding intention through our thoughts and feelings and learn to consciously unconditional love ~ we eventually begin to see through clearer eyes and all things come into perfect balance and harmony.

Jesus consciously unconditionally loved and the reason we have never forgotten him is because that same capacity to consciously love and be loved lies deepest within each one of us ~ but many of us continue to look outside and externalize it versus going inside and internalized it as I most certainly do with my clients as a heart centered counselor and coach as well as my primary relationship.

The path to the soul is always through doors of fear and most of those fears appear in relationship. You don’t realize those fears are illusions until you stop denying love and go through them. Only then can you truly claim the greatest gift ~ yourself.

Only then can you become a fragment of life’s heart and transcend time and space in the process ~ for the hearts’ desire is to love so deeply that we become one with a Unified Field of love and soul consciousness as well as claim our part in an evolving loving plan and always from a place of inner celebration and delight.

Each relationship is a step in that process of eventually returning to source and only by fully opening your heart and learning to consciously unconditionally love can you begin or accelerate that journey to truly find yourself.

The ultimate relationship, as such, is a spiritual relationship where both partners are on a common path, one through the other, to find and celebrate who they really are ~ using the love that exists between them as the vehicle.

We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started… and know the place for the first time: T.S.Eliot


About the AuthorAllen L Roland is a Freelance Alternative Press Online columnist. He is also a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his web site at AllenRoland.com. He also guest hosts a Truthtalk, a national radio show that airs monthly. He is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements and private consultations via email at [email protected].

 



The views expressed herein are the views of the author exclusively and not necessarily the views of VT, VT authors, affiliates, advertisers, sponsors, partners, technicians, or the Veterans Today Network and its assigns. LEGAL NOTICE - COMMENT POLICY

Posted by on December 29, 2012, With Reads Filed under Life, Veterans. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

19 Responses to "The Seven Stages of Relationship – Very Few Get Beyond Stage Six"

  1. Allen L Roland  January 12, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Augustus, we are all seeded from heaven but for many the seed does not take because of scare nourishment and virtually no enrichment.

  2. Preston James, Ph.D  January 3, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    Marriage counselors and psychologists could learn a great deal from this perspective on relationships provided byAllen Roland. A very fine article that distills things down to the important basics in any relationship.This is the sort of valuable information that goes far beyond the DSM and is not typically taught in professional schools of psychology.

  3. Allen L Roland  December 30, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    And here they are ~ Doug and the Slugs singing Who Knows How To Make Love Stay
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqS72pTvN04

  4. sumwoman  December 30, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    i’m just riffing so it’s going to sound disjointed.

    Maybe we need to refine and expand our terms?

    A heard a song by a woman named Joan Armtrading, called ‘there’s more than one kinda of love’. This always intrigued me, why would someone chant a phrase, there’s more than one kinda of love?

    There is a scene in the movie Annie Hall, when Woody is so taken with Annie Hall (i’m paraphrasing), he says, the word Love is not enough, I Lurb you. … why did he say that?

    We have a Rolodex of terms for less savoury acts, like sodomy…(to some anyway), anal sex, buggery, rimmed, fudge packer, the list goes on. For one and the same act. However, we have precious few terms to explain the degrees of love between people and/or love in all its manifestations.

    Is the love between mother and son different from love between mother and daughter? Is the love between a person and their dog different from the love between co-workers?

    If there is a difference, why don’t we have terms to indicate this fact?

    Love is an opportunity for humans to become a supra version of themselves.

    There is a subplot in the movie, All about Mary. There is this old guy, he’s best friends and confidant to Mary. He’s an art critic who dispense wise words to Mary through out the movie. Towards the end of the movie, it is revealed that he is actually a pizza delivery guy at night. He has been pretending to be an art critic for sake of impressing Mary and he’s been doing this for over 10 years.

    But wait, can you really ‘pretend’ (successfully) for over 10 years? For the sake of Mary, his beloved, this individual surpassed himself or attempted (successfully) to become something more than he was. He became a supra version of himself for sake of his beloved.

    Just like in the movie Annie Hall, where Woody is preparing before Annie arrives at his apartment. He wears his best attire, he cleans the house and rearranges the decorations several times over…Why? To impress his beloved. He was attempting a supra version of himself.

    Maybe that’s why we love loving? It’s our opportunity, our motivation, our thrust to become more of the best version of ourselves?

    Doug and the Slugs used to sing a song called, Why can’t we make love stay?

    …I don’t know. If it’s so good for the body to inhale air, why does the body exhale?

    Anyway, have a good year, 2013! It’s the year of the snake.

  5. dalethorn  December 30, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Empathy. Seeing every point of view. Realizing that each of us is made up of the material and ideas of all others, even those we really don’t like.

  6. lola  December 29, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    Recommend “loving” unlovable people from a safe distance. Sociopaths will take you down no matter what you do. Understanding, loving from a safe distance is only reasonable. Healthy boundaries are healthy. No point in trying to hug a grease fire. Good luck. Most folks are not self realized to understand their replaying of childhood “tapes”. You cannot create a healthy loving relationship with a broken person. Do not play with broken toys. Smart dogs do not chase cars.
    Hare Krishna
    Lola

    • Allen L Roland  December 29, 2012 at 10:45 pm

      True, Lola ~ but remember ” loving ” people also includes being totally honest with compassion.

    • Jacqui75  December 29, 2012 at 10:46 pm

      Soul v Ego

      Jxx

  7. Jacqui75  December 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Overwhelmed!!!

    That is all : xx

  8. John G.  December 29, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Thanks for your ‘Second Crystallization,’ sir. It makes great sense, and I will try to remember it.

  9. Excalibur  December 29, 2012 at 9:22 am

    True love is without doubt unconditional – and a timeless enemy of evil. True love is also selfless.

    It has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the modern Hollywood version of ‘Making love’ or sex. (older readers will recall that ‘Making love’ once meant the act of courtship before Marriage – until it was warped by the usual Hollywood moguls to mean the act of sex only).

    There is one important piece of advice to enhance your mental and physical health in today’s modern world: That is to make sure that your carefully and meticulously ignore EVERY piece of advice given to you by the corrupted establishment and it’s agents – both in terms of human relationships AND in the rearing of your children. That includes any ‘new books’ and ‘new ideas’ that are permitted to be published and distributed.

    It might not come as a surprise or shock to many of the readers here to learn that this is the line of non-compliance is the one that jews themselves take for their own families. This is done in the full knowledge that their operatives have for years been poisoning the well of Gentile society. This poisoning leaves the rest of us bereft of identity, trust, moral standing, healthy taboos, decency, freedom or hope – and often even a without FAMILY at all.

    • sumwoman  December 29, 2012 at 9:44 am

      are you trying to say, it’s very easy to love lovable people, so the greatest feat of love must be loving unlovable people?

    • Excalibur  December 29, 2012 at 10:26 am

      Not really sumwoman. In this comment I was talking in terms of the article subject matter – that is human relationships. In particular relationships between men and women who wish to marry and hence successfully bring up a family of their own.

      Society is loaded AGAINST this being successful in the modern world, primarily because our culture has become sick and warped – where the deliberate subversion enmeshed within the governmental machine has forced its agents to preach an extremely unhealthy mode of behaviour to people. This unhealthy model is then promoted as being ‘normal’.

      We see that same unhealthy example of behaviour extolled in every soap opera and every piece of relationship advice – both subliminal and today even directly. It is never very difficult to trace back to where the societal subversion ideas emanate from. The culprits never adhere to their own advice for their OWN families and relationships of course. They know that that way only leads to family break-up, misery and despair.

    • Allen L Roland  December 29, 2012 at 5:57 pm

      To love unlovable people, you must go beyond the need for outer validation which is most definitely the conscious, unconditional love motive.

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