News by Urban Legend OR How my Mind Fell Into a Black Hole

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nicholson“PLEASE HONEY, MY HEAD HURTS REAL BAD!”

Each day I depend on the internet to deliver useful facts that help me thru life. The best part, other than the penis enlargement ads and the Nigerians who continue to die and leave me millions is the “news” some of my friends send me to set me straight.

It seems that “regular news”, scientific studies, physical laws, sensory observations and even the pronouncements of G-d are all tainted with “liberal bias”. This week, one of my good friends at Homeland Sanitation sent me, among other things, living proof that:

  • President Kennedy, long in his grave, ordered our “surrender in Vietnam and was secretly a communist…and Marilyn Monroe’s transexual lover” (was maybe seeing J. Edgar Hoover “on the side”….thru that secret Whitehouse tunnel…..)
  • Nancy Pelosi is planning to empty every retirement account in America and give the money to illegal immigrants so they can buy waterfront property. (in really “pricey” areas)
  • Barak Obama plans to have all “white people” enslaved after the election or forced to join secret Islamic terrorist organizations or both….. I forget. The result of this is a medical condition that has me deleting more and more mail, thinking some of my friends are even crazier than I am and a general belief that the “end times” came and went and NOBODY was chosen.
  • hireveteransonly 127 soldiers that have served in Irak/Afghanistan have killed themselves despite unpleasant “scientific/statistical proof otherwise.” (from noted experts or other misguided “liberal” sources undoubtedly meant to overwhelm the VA with pesky sick veterans)
  • Iraq is standing by us and that Prime Minister Malaki is actually in Iran this week buying shoes. (Gucci “knockoffs” are cheap in Tehran)
  • gasoline and food costs have only gone up 4% under Bush (no additional comment needed here)
  • the ultimate expression of patriotism is the opposition to health care for soldiers and veterans. (please come home and die politely and with as little fuss as possible!)
  • forcing civilian veterans with multiple deployments in Iraq back into the military, against their will, is a form of “volunteering” as long as we call it “stop loss”……..
  • giving our troops the education benefits they are promised is a plot to support global terrorism (our troops need to expect a “lite” version of the American dream….less fulfilling…)
  • the deluge of former Bush administration “hacks” now claiming to have been “misled” are (and have always been) professional liars and not just professional liars formerly lying at the behest of the lying administration. (Is “lying” redundant or patholigical under these circumstances?)
  • John McCain was brainwashed as a POW and is secretly waiting to be activated as a “commie mole” and release millions of hidden North Korean troops living under the Denver airport. (hidden away in the “misplaced luggage” department with Saddam’s WMD’s)
  • troops hospitalized at Walter Reed aren’t really living in squalor but actually REFUSE to get better because Army medical care is so much fun. (roach races 4pm daily, trifecta Saturdays)
  • we spent more time and money unsuccessfully trying to prosecute Osama Bin Laden’s illiterate driver than we spent in trying to locate Osama himself. (I am reliably told Bin Laden is now a serving Deputy US Attorney in Missouri)
  • 39 US states are negotiating to become part of Canada and that 4 of their provinces have been annexed as part of China while another has voted to join with Pakistan (or Bangladesh, I forget which.)
  • even Europe has become so bored with bashing Bush that Brigette Bardot has declared him a “pitiful and endangered, though despised rodent.” and is facing trial for offending Islamic groups calling for Bush’s death.

I have watched for many years while a disease has crept into many. The disease is not new. It used to be the fear of Sabre Toothed Tigers creeping into the cave or Commies coming out from under our beds.

Nixon convinced us that “drugged out” Vietnam vets were going to destroy America and showed us that abandoning a few hundred POWs to slow death could be covered up by a “backroom deal” with the enemy and the help of John McCain, his friend John Kerry and the “sweat shop lobby”.

Reagan proved to us that selling weapons to an enemy and importing hundreds of tons of narcotics can be both profitable and legal as long as you have Alzheimers and the ability to destroy enough documents and give out enough pardons.

Years later we still have a few people sending out urban legends, most tracked down to retired Pentagon boys being paid under the table, Karl Rove’s “lie machine” and the endless PR firms surrounding Washington still trying to prove that cigarettes really don’t cause cancer.

As time goes on, one by one, my “Bushite” friends now claim that they secretly voted for Kerry and are now lining up behind that Osama Obama guy. I love how their judgment goes from flawed to utterly awry.

Only John McCain could force Christian conservatives with a fear of “evil Negros” and a desire to return to the “refined ways of the Old South” (slavery/lynchings) to support a black candidate none of us know anything about.

You can travel the world visiting places where Americans have died defending their country or at least meaning to – to the best of their ability. (“every clime and place where we could take a gun” from a song forgotten by too many) Today you can find heroes everywhere, too many lost, alone and in need of a country like the one they believed they were fighting for.

Perhaps we should just send them emails telling them that aren’t really unemployed, homeless and abandoned. This is the kind of solution so many Americans seem to seek for every problem. Get them a radio or a Coulter book. Perhaps Ann can convice them that they aren’t really that hungry at all but just letting their stomach believe “liberal lies.”

Pay a few million or a few hundred million to a Pentagon consultant, they can put together a few “urban legends”, blame Bobby Kennedy or Harry Truman and, there you have it, no more problem!

If we could get all the spinning bullshit from Washington going the other way, no more hurricanes, typhoons or twisters. Perhaps we need to find a way to power our cars with lies and hot air.

Would anyone be surprised if the truth about many in public life weren’t actually much worse than the “urban legends” we dispel so quickly?

I’m ready to get out my foil hat, dig a hole in my backyard and keep that radio tuned to “640AM or 1040FM” and wait out news of impending attack or alien invasion.

Don’t forget to “duck and cover.”

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Gordon Duff posted articles on VT from 2008 to 2022. He is a Marine combat veteran of the Vietnam War. A disabled veteran, he worked on veterans and POW issues for decades. Gordon is an accredited diplomat and is generally accepted as one of the top global intelligence specialists. He manages the world's largest private intelligence organization and regularly consults with governments challenged by security issues. Duff has traveled extensively, is published around the world, and is a regular guest on TV and radio in more than "several" countries. He is also a trained chef, wine enthusiast, avid motorcyclist, and gunsmith specializing in historical weapons and restoration. Business experience and interests are in energy and defense technology.