American soldiers’ families fight to keep lives on track

American soldiers’ families fight to keep their lives on track

By Ron French and Francis Donnelly

Not all casualties of war wear uniforms. In thousands of homes across Metro Detroit, families of National Guard and Reserve soldiers deployed in Iraq face their own daily battles.

For them, the war is a complex calculus of dodging bills instead of bullets, while fighting loneliness, fear and the exhaustion of single parenthood.

Over a year has passed since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom. A war that began with televised images, green and grainy from night vision equipment, of jets slung from warships and tanks rolling across the desert has settled into a routine for most Americans. Soldiers still die, but their deaths now seldom make the front page.

But the war remains the defining storyline for those left at home……..

Spouses have learned how to change the oil in their cars. Children have learned to play T-ball by themselves. They’ve put a brave face on a fearful situation for a long time. Mostly, after what for many has been a year or more apart, they are tired.

People think I should be upset all the time, but I can’t go there, said Kendra Goodrich of Howell, whose husband, John, is in a National Guard communications unit in northern Iraq. I can’t do anything about him. I have things I have to take care of here. You just wish you could have a day when you weren’t in charge of everything.

I know I’m getting on their (the children’s) nerves, and they’re getting on mine, said Kathy Alvarado of Dearborn, whose husband, Sal, is a National Guard MP who has been gone for 15 months. Everyone is getting testy. When you’re together 24/7, you get a little tired of each other.

Deployments are long

The war is taking a particular toll on the families of members of the National Guard and Army Reserve, where part-time jobs have become full-time. Members signed up for a weekend a month and two weeks a year of service; instead, they found themselves holding a rifle for 12 months. It was part of the pact they made. But few families were prepared for such long deployments, and they have few of the support systems available to families of the regular military, who often live on or near military bases.

Nicole Addison, a family assistance coordinator for the National Guard in Midland, helps struggling families of deployed Guard members. She estimates half the families suffered income cuts during the deployments the difference between active-duty military pay and their civilian paychecks. Laws forbid home foreclosures and utility shutoffs for families of active military personnel, but the bills stack up.

American Legions and Rotary clubs across the state have held fund-raisers for families.

Some of them (the families) have such an income change … there’s nothing we can do to get them through a year and a half with sometimes half the pay, Addison said.

The first few months of deployment are the toughest on the families.

A lot of it is problems they didn’t see coming, said Tami Kozlowski, family assistance coordinator for the Guard in Taylor. Who do you turn to when the car doesn’t start and the kids have to get to school? The furnace isn’t working, where do I go to fix this problem? When a parent is missing from the everyday routine, things can be rough.

Little things add up

For family members like Beverly Cotton of Detroit, the Iraq war didn’t end when Saddam Hussein’s statue hit the ground. Nor did it fade when the bedraggled dictator was plucked from a hole last December.

Something could happen to my baby, said Cotton, whose son, a mental health specialist in the Army, has just left for Iraq. I don’t want anything to happen to any Iraqi baby, Afghanistan baby or my baby.

For others, the big things can be dealt with. But it’s the little things that add up.

At the Goodrich home, Ariel, 10, missed going skiing this past winter because it was her father who skied with her; Bailey, 6, signed up to play T-ball this spring, but his dad wasn’t home to help him.

Mom doesn’t really take time to practice with him in the backyard, said Kendra Goodrich.

She bought a new home, moving in January to a house on a one-acre lot. Recently, she realized that I’m going to have to find someone to mow it for me.

John Goodrich is expected to be in Iraq until July.

He’s missed my daughter’s first dance recital, Kendra Goodrich said. Our son went to kindergarten this year and lost his first tooth. He’s missed stuff that you can’t go back and do over. There’s nothing you can do.

Ariel was always the child who never caused problems. Now, she and Bailey fight all the time, their mother said. The teachers say she gets distracted easily, Kendra Goodrich said. They said it’s probably because she has so much going on.

Getting close

At the Alvarado home, four children troop everywhere together, sitting in hallways during dance rehearsals for one sibling and Cub Scout meetings for another.  Kathy Alvarado said, They’re not as cooperative as they’ve been. They’re pushing the envelope on discipline, and getting very antsy.

There are times when Alvarado sends all the kids to separate rooms. And there are times, 15 months after her husband left and more than a year after the war began, that she lies alone in bed and cries.

When he gets home, he’s going to be like Gumby, with me pulling on one arm and the kids pulling on another, she said.

Last night, the Goodrich family made their weekly trek to the Howell Assembly of God. Each week, the pastor asks for prayer requests. Each week, Goodrich asks for prayers for her husband.

Most people say I’m taking it pretty well, she said. My faith makes it easier for me.

This morning, Victoria Alvarado will walk into the kitchen for breakfast, march to the calendar on the refrigerator, and put a star on another date. Today marks 50 days until her daddy’s expected to return home.

Her mother, who has suffered through two deployment extensions already, prays his return is really just 50 days away.

We’re surviving, Kathy Alvarado said. (But) it’s time for them to come home.

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