by Tom Barnes, Staff Writer
We are all aware, if we are over the age of eight years old, that there has been a Culture War waging in the USA for decades. Exactly how many decades is a matter of opinion, depending on the "wing" in American politics any citizen might call home for their particular political bias. But for veterans, especially disabled veterans who must live with whatever ‘wing’ the present Administration may represent, getting involved in ‘wing’ politics is self defeating. But we all need to vote to have our voices heard and our issues addressed in every election, anywhere one is being held.
Now, we all realize that in the last thirty years or so, the American Right Wing has more or less coopted other wings out of the Veterans Advocacy business. That is not their fault, the other wings, until very recently, were not interested in advocating for veterans. I would like to point something out. Roughly 8% of the rolls of any voting district in the entire country is made up of veterans. 8% of voters in almost any election in the USA at present could swing the vote to one candidate or another. Everyone needs to be aware of the power that this represents, especially those of us who are veterans. That is a major element in any ‘swing vote’ calculation.
Now, being a Left Wing Democrat myself and active in politics in Northern Virginia I would like to submit a primer for all veterans to consider relative to handling "wing" politics. Brother and sister veterans, I submit for your perusal, the List of Wings. Please pick a wing, park your rump soundly in a wing that you like and VOTE !!! Whenever you can.
Right Wing:
Ultra Conservative. Wave the Flag. America is always right. The "other" guy is always wrong. Constant state of fear that "this" or "that" issue will finally take down American influence in the world. Enemies everywhere. Us against them. Usually religious. Had first sexual experience at Bible Camp at the age of fifteen. Was seduced by wife of the pastor running camp. Loved it. Either attended or would like to have attended and/or graduated from West Point, Air Force Academy, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Brigham Young Universtiy, Notre Dame. First wife/husband was a man/woman who was a Mayflower descendant who had an M.A. in Fine Arts from Smith College or the Julliard School of Music. Would not be caught dead in a fast food restaurant. Sees Ronald Reagan as a god among men. Followed closely by the highly misunderstood Richard Milhouse Nixon. Attends church every Sunday. Sits on the Executive Committee. Believes the Bible literally.
Left Wing:
Ultra Liberal tending to mildly radical. Never wave the flag because does not want to be considered a jingoist. Fiercely internationalist until wife’s job is threatened by jobs being exported to India. Constant state of elation whenever Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro castigates USA because he feels it "puts us in our place" and "shows that we are just one more nation in the community of nations. Nothing special." Had first sexual experience while playing tuba in the high school band. Seduced by Assistant Principal in the music room before homeroom one morning in Junior year. Loved it. Either attended or would like to have attended and/or graduated from City University of New York, Harvard, Yale, UCLA Berkely, Chico State Universtiy (Ca) or any of the Traditionally Black Colleges in the U.S. First wife/husband was a man/woman of color who had a Ph.D. in African Studies, Woman’s Studies or West Asian Languages. Takes most meals in a fast food restaurant. Sees FDR as the greatest man of the last five centuries. Woodrow Wilson is right behind him. Has not been to church since his grandmother had him baptized as an infant. Thinks he might be Catholic, Episcopalian or African Methodist Episcopal. Believes maternal grandmother was probably Jewish because she made the best knish in town.
Air Wing:
Fiscally conservative, socially progressive and constantly confused. Cannot figure out if he/she is a liberal who believes that money is important to conserve or is a conservative who feels that society needs to progress out of the strict social paradigms it constantly constructs for "other" people outside of one’s own group. Wants to have friends of other religions, socio economic classes and colors but is afraid that it will lower his/her place in the pecking order within his/her own family and kin. Settles for eating with coworkers of color and from foreign lands while at work. Goes to church every other Sunday but is not exactly sure why. Changes denominations every four years. First sexual experience in the prop room with a member of the chorus in college production of "Guys and Dolls". Was so excited after first sexual experience he burned his buns on the stage lights. Hence, does not sit still at plays anymore. Married and divorced three times but this time he is going to get it right. Never quite sure what he wants, where he stands or even who he is. Belives strongly in America as an idea but is not real sure that America the nation is a viable alternative to our political problems. Would like to see more compromise in Congressional politics because all of the jockeying for position and agenda setting within Congress makes him "mad as hell". Wants to know why Americans simply do not constantly ask the question, "Can’t we all just get along?". Spent two years in ROTC at Penn State, Ohio State, Florida State or Catatonic State. Did not complete the training and did not take a commission. Got a job selling industrial machinery that makes custard to foreign companies in Europe and Asia after college graduation. Never quite sure who to vote for. Damn near had a nervous breakdown last month when trying to decide between the three candidates running for dogcatcher in the township.
Chicken Wing:
Heavily involved in the politics of food. Does not care who is running the country as long as MacDonald’s continues to offer burgers for a dollar every Tuesday. Considers Texas Barbecue to be his religion. Would have graduated from high school but it interfered with his couch potato time in his teen years. Got a job after sophomore year at the local Wendy’s and worked there until he met his significant other, a younger girl who is a mere one hundred pounds lighter than him. He must wear 2XXL clothing due to his ability to eat three pizzas at a sitting since high school. Keeps a close eye on the Farm Bill every year. A fixture at the County Fair. Even the local Congressman knows who he is and runs from him every year when he sees him at the Fair. The Congressman is afraid of being eaten. Will vote for anyone who buys him lunch and hands him a dozen donuts at any politital fundraiser.
Wing Ding:
Always stoned. Spent two years in the Army (Navy, Coast Guard, Marines, Air Force, Officer Corps of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) smoking dope. Got popped on a pee test and was administratively discharged. Presently works for the State Turnpike Commission in your home state at the toll booths. Holds a Masters Degree in civil engineering and has an I.Q. of 165. Wants to open a rat farm upstate so that he/she can harvest pelts for hatbands. Thinks this will be the new fad in the coming years. Reads Soren Kirkegaard in his/her spare time in the original Danish. Speaks three modern languages and can read and write ancient Greek and Latin. Has a hyphentated last name. Enjoys coffee shops where Flamenco Dancing is common. Cannot remember first sexual experience…he was too stoned. Thinks it might have been in high school at lunchtime with a classmates sister who was three years older than him. All he can remember is waking up nude on the roof of the school building and being late for English class after lunch. She had hash with her. He thinks they had sex. She always said they did. Will vote for anyone who wants to legalize pot.
Take your pick. Where do you want to fit in the panoply of American political wings? And there are more, I am sure. But these are the major ones. All veterans should become familiar with them….just vote.
Pick a wing, do your thing, make freedom ring, your vote could bring damned near anything!
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