An Open Letter to Osama Bin Laden: Read and Sign Here!

Those who are so inclined are invited to read and sign the letter below:

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

We, the undersigned Americans, do sincerely apologize to you that our government used harsh interrogation methods, the worst being waterboarding, on three of your operatives. We’re better than that. If it’s any consolation, we have waterboarded literally thousands of our own pilots and special operations personnel as part of their interrogation-resistance training. But, of course, that’s no excuse.

We understand that you feel cheated that those awful methods enabled us to prevent your planned attack on Los Angeles. If we had stayed true to our values, your attack on Los Angeles would have been carried out. So you have every right to be angry at being unfairly robbed of an important success.

We also understand that you feel frustrated over the fact that those harsh interrogations–let’s call them what they are, torture!!!–enabled us to capture many other Al Qaeda operatives and to shut down many of your operations. We realize it’s frustrating to wage war against an opponent who cheats.

Perhaps we can sit down and negotiate. We realize that, for starters, a safe and secure Palestinian state in Gaza and the West Bank would go a long ways toward healing the unfortunate misunderstanding that has arisen between us. This is why the Obama administration has approved tens of millions of dollars in aid money to rebuild Gaza, after the Israelis had the unmitigated gall to attack it; and we both know that much of that reconstruction money will end up in the hands of your fellow Jihadists in Hamas.

Furthermore, surely you’ve noticed that over the last few days the Obama administration has released CIA memos on our interrogation methods. Thus, from now on your operatives will know exactly what to expect if they’re captured; indeed, they can be assured that the harsh methods that got them to talk last time will never be used again. We hope you will show your appreciation for this generous action by agreeing to cut off the heads of captured Americans much more quickly than Daniel Pearl’s head was cut off, thereby causing far less pain and suffering.

Oh, and please note that we have stopped using offensive terms like "terror" and "terrorism." In fact, we won’t even say "the war on [you know what]" anymore. Surely this shows our sincere desire for peace and good will.

Finally, you can rest assured that we will not rest until those who ordered the brutal tactics that did so much damage to your cause are brought to justice.  We will do our best to ensure that those who were responsible for unfairly preventing your planned attack on LA and capturing so many of your operatives spend the rest of their lives behind bars.

Signed,

[Liberals, add your names here, and get all your friends to sign too!]