Some Rants From An Angry Widow

by Zulma Weeks, Staff Writer

So, while I have had every intention of continuing my story, life has just taken over!  I find it best to write and just get it out of my system.  My friends, neighbors and family will appreciate it; there is only so much ranting one can take! 

I’ve learned over the months that: 1) widowhood is NOT for wimps.  The seedy people will take advantage or you will get walked all over by ‘caring’ strangers.  2) crying is necessary AND feels good—preferably in private so we don’t make ANYONE feel uncomfortable.  Our society and culture has so much to learn about grief!  3) support groups ARE NOT crutches to lean on forever but a very vital part of the healing/recovery process. 4) There really are good people left in this world that actually care.

So with all this in mind, I just want to let off some steam that has been building up over the last few months.

My children lost their father last December.  My youngest is 15 years old and life basically ‘sucks’ for her most of the time.  She, unfortunately, shares my genetic predisposition for chronic depression.  She is having a heck of a time seeing the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’.  School is ‘pointless and useless’.  And here I thought my last child would be the easiest!  My heart breaks for her.  Life is not fair.  But I try to remember all the wonderful attributes her father passed down.  He was a natural optimist; the glass was always half-full even towards the end of his life.

I’ve been in ‘survival mode’ for the last 15 months; that won’t be changing any time soon.  I try and stay focused on my family’s needs while also addressing my own; it’s a very delicate balance at times.  Occasionally, I’d love to ‘run away’ from home but for now that is not an option.  So, I keep friends and family updated on our life and slowly eliminate any new ‘friends’ I have met along the way that only bring negativity to our lives.  Since we have plenty of that to deal with, it’s the right thing to do and luckily, the list is pretty short.  I have no time for BS and fools.

I have also been dealing with the court system and probate: whatever that means!  And since I was too busy ‘grieving’, I missed certain deadlines for filing an ‘inventory’ and was ‘privileged’ to get fined a late fee: $25.  I would love to tell them where to put that!!!

Now since my husband wouldn’t want us to focus only on gloom and doom, I do admit there have been occasions of perfect silliness which are very healing.  One of the kids had a birthday in September, so we planned a nice meal out.  I picked up my oldest daughter at her house and while she was changing the baby’s diaper, the 2 yr old decided I needed to see his privates (Nana, peenee!)  My daughter swore he had NEVER done that for anyone else.  Wow, what a privileged nana I was!  Off we go to the restaurant when we realize that we have no birthday card. 

Ernie had ALWAYS planned ahead and would have had a card bought.  The birthday girl was meeting us there from work so luckily she didn’t know what transpired.  My 15 yr old finds an unused but old airline ‘barf’ bag in the car and decides that, like, ‘McGyver’, we will use what we have.  She decorated the bag and we signed it right before giving it to my daughter.  Can it get much more memorable than that?  I’m sure Ern was shaking his head and rolling his eyes at our craziness and laughter.

I want to thank all my fellow veterans for serving and sacrificing for our country and especially my adored husband, Ernie.  His birthday is also next week, November 12th and I suspect it will be a very hard day for a lot of us.

I pray that someday again everyone from our Commander in Chief on down will truly understand and fully relate to the sacrifices made by veterans past and present.