Rename America As "The United States of Goldman, Sachs"

By Sherwood Ross / Staff Writer

In view of Goldman, Sachs’ pervasive influence over Washington and the bailout that benefitted it so extensively, America’s name should be changed to the “United States of Goldman, Sachs,” a law school dean said.

Since the government bailout that saved GS’s bacon, (and “about $85 billion worth of its bacon”) writes Lawrence Velvel, dean of the Massachusetts School of Law at Andover, “We now live in the United States of Goldman, Sachs.”

So Americans could now change their coinage, their music, the wording of their anthems, the names of their warships, and even the name of their continent to reflect the bounty Congress hath showered upon the New York bank.

The song whose first line begins, “O beautiful for spacious skies,” could be renamed “Goldman, Sachs The Beautiful” and the line that starts “America, America,” could be changed to “Goldman, Sachs, Goldman, Sachs, God shed his grace on thee.” Another famous song invoking the deity could become, “God bless Goldman, Sachs, Land that I love.”

And although it is not known whether Latin Americans will go along with the idea, Velvel proposes to change the names of the New World continents to “South Goldman, Sachs” and “North Goldman, Sachs.”

The changeover would take some getting used to even for Americans, whose passports, for example, would all be stamped “The United States of Goldman, Sachs.”

And the English language would come in for some apparently much needed alterations as well. In honor of the fact that bailing out American International Group (AIG) simultaneously saved Goldman, Sachs, which otherwise would probably have lost scores of billions. To help a friend in trouble would be to “give him aig” and Congressional assistants would become legislative aiges. And, “To give assistance to a particular nation in order to pull it out of possible deep trouble is now to give it foreign,” writes Velvel.

The names of U.S. warships would also be changed. The U.S.S. Ronald Reagan would become the U.S.G.S.S. (U.S. Goldman Sachs Ship) Ronald Reagan, etc.

Still under consideration, Velvel writes, “is the question of whether the motto on our coins should be changed to, ‘In Goldman, Sachs We Trust.’ Some people think that would be going too far. They say that it is one thing to change the name of the country, but quite another to equate the country with God,” Velvel writes.

“Their position is undercut,” he explains, “by the fact that they are religious fundamentalists. Secularists find nothing wrong with changing the motto on our coins. And economists who are monetarists, or who think well of what the Federal Reserve has done, are vociferously in favor of the change,” he explained.

Velvel added this parting shot: “They (monetarists) also want the head of the Federal Reserve to change his name to Ben Bankee. This would make him Ben Bankee, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board of the United States of Goldman, Sachs.”

The Massachusetts School of Law at Andover is a 21-year-old law school whose pioneering mission is to inexpensively provide rigorous legal education, a pathway into the legal profession, and social mobility to members of the working class, minorities, people in midlife, and immigrants.

Through its television shows, videotaped conferences, an intellectual magazine, and internet postings, MSL – – uniquely for a law school – – also seeks to provide the public with information about crucial legal and non legal subjects facing the country. #

(Further information or to arrange for interviews with MSL Dean and Cofounder Lawrence Velvel, please contact Sherwood Ross, media consultant to Massachusetts School of Law at Andover, at [email protected] )

Sherwood Ross

Sherwood Ross is an award-winning reporter. He served in the U.S Air Force where he contributed to his base newspaper. He later worked for The Miami Herald and Chicago Daily News. He contributed a weekly column on working for a major wire service. He is also an editorial and book publicist. He currently resides in Florida.