The Borowitz Report – December 28, 2009
Department of Homeland Security Issues Terrorist ID Cards
Requires Application, $25 Fee
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" I.D. card.
"All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card in order to be barred from boarding," said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano. "If you want to get on the no-fly list you’ll need a completed application and the $25 fee."
Ms. Napolitano said that while the terror suspect’s father had warned the U.S. about his son weeks before the incident, the Homeland Security Dept. was tightening rules in that area as well: "In the future, it will be necessary for a terrorist’s mom and dad to warn us before we take it seriously."
The Homeland Security chief said that her department would continue to crack down on the primary threat to air safety: shampoo.
"We will be looking out for shampoo like never before," she said. "If you want to smuggle it on board, you had better hide it with your bomb-making supplies."
She also praised the Department’s decision to ban in-flight bathroom use: "One thing every terrorist has in common is that they eventually need to pee."