The Four Levels of Relationship


Union, the true upward union in the spirit, ends by establishing the elements it dominates in their own perfection : Teilhard de Chardin


by Allen L Roland


True relationship is a dance of intimacy ( a means to an end versus an end in itself ) where both partners continually take hold and let go ~ leading eventually to true SELF, inner joy and validation and the courage and freedom to fully express and sing one’s own true song .

As such, the true intent of relationship is the full flowering of each partner. Thus, relationship must be seen as a journey towards self discovery and the path is always through doors of fear.

Authentic relationship begins when both partners realize that their quest will be fulfilled not in any “perfect relationship, ” but only when they reunite with their authentic self, which is usually still trapped within a self-imposed prison of childhood fears.

Since 50 % of all marriages end in divorce ~ perhaps we need another look at relationships and why they are indeed the true test of who we are.

As such, I will now describe the four (colored coded) levels of relationships we tend to set up in our quest to find ourselves.


Partners are joined by common fears and are usually completely dependent on each other.

There is little if any passion, few risks are taken and no real growth occurs.

Both partners have settled for less than all of themselves ~ but at the cost of growth and passion.

They tend to see themselves as victims and usually are spectators or observers in life.

It is a dry creek bed waiting for the spring rain.



The ego is still in control and both partners have common issues such as unworthiness, fear of love and intimacy, fear of rejection, abandonment,  aloneness , etc

These tend to be intense and short lived relationships as both partners vainly try to fill the others emotional void ~ when, in reality, they are avoiding their own emotional void. Mission impossible one and two.

As such, they are externally directed relationships.

They, in essence, eventually become enclosed in a common cocoon (a cocoon for two) where love tends to contract versus expand and mutual resentment soon replaces love.

You can be relatively happy in a “safe love ” relationship ( compared to a ” Going through the motions ” relationship ) but joy is elusive because little, if any, growth occurs ~ as both partners will not give up control and refuse to surrender.

The dry creek bed has become a stream



Soul mates and great loves come into our life when we are ready to find and fulfill our part in the loving plan.

Great love relationships are internally directed and prepare us for the transition from ego consciousness to soul consciousness.

The ultimate aim of such a relationship is for both partners to fully emerge from their cocoons of fear and become their truest self.

This is the love that Teilhard de Chardin refers to when he wrote; The only right love is between couples whose passion leads them both, one through the other, to a higher possession of themselves.

There is little room here for the Ego’s need to protect and control for a great love confronts us with our deepest feelings and fears ~ and demands that we SURRENDER!

It requires us to grow beyond our fear to the place where we can both emotionally and unconditionally love our partner.

It is a love that can both take hold and let go ~ for it is beyond emotional dependency.

There is tremendous joy and delight in soul mate relationships because there is no greater joy than going (and growing) through our fears and discovering our true self.

This love is not for the faint of heart for, indeed, many who briefly experience this fire will quickly run for cover ~ not realizing that they are actually running away from what is deepest within them.

Like the moth to the flame ~ once you have willingly burned in the fire of a great love ~ you will accept nothing less.

You will then realize that you are the fire

You are now in the river of life



A perfected love relationship is seldom achieved because it demands total vulnerability and mutual surrender to love.

A perfected love is a love that transcends time and space wherein all past life and present love connections are completed.

It is a pure love devoid of fear with ecstasy and bliss its obvious symptoms.

The vibration of this inner connection is so intense that it effects all who witness or come in contact with it.

In perfected love relationships both partners become a tool to be used in a universal loving plan.

Both partners have now been dominated in their own perfection and all fear has been erased in the process. The predominant feeling is mutual celebration and service.

As such, you have transcended time and space and are one with source.

You are now a fragment of life’s heart


About the Author: Allen L Roland is a Freelance Alternative Press Online columnis. He is also a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his web site at He also guest hosts a Truthtalk, a national radio show that airs monthly. He is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements and private consultations via email at [email protected].


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Allen L Roland, PhD is a Freelance Alternative Press Online columnist. He is also a heart-centered spiritual consultant, author, and lecturer who also shares a weekly political and social commentary on his website at He also guest hosts Truthtalk, a national radio show that airs monthly. He is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements as well as private consultations via email at [email protected]. Roland is a twin who was born in Boston, Massachusetts, survived a dysfunctional family, pursued and lived his dreams, including becoming a Navy supersonic carrier pilot, finding himself by fully opening his heart, writing three books, siring four children ~ and still living his ultimate dream by making a difference from a place of love, celebration, and service. His Ph.D. dissertation THE UNIFIED FIELD was chosen by Common Boundary and Noetic Science Institute, in their 1998 national dissertation contest, as one of the top three finalists for combining spirituality and psychology. His ongoing heart-centered work as a consultant with veterans with PTSD is the most satisfying work of his life. Allen's online newsletter, columns, and radio broadcasts are committed to the truth ~ as he sees it ~ for only the truth is revolutionary.