Search For love Eventually Leads To Our True Self


relationshipThe true purpose of relationship is the full flowering of each partner but only those who conquer fear reach the seventh and final self-fulfilling stage of relationship. As such, the search for love, like the search for God, eventually leads to our self


by Allen L Roland

The only right love is that between couples whose passion leads them both, one through the other, to a higher possession of their being: Teilhard de Chardin  
Most people are afraid of love because they are afraid of their deepest feelings ~ their deepest joy, delight and inner freedom are trapped by their over-riding fear of vulnerability and intimacy as well as that being themselves is not enough.
Every major love relationship in my life has been a gift in that I have discovered more of myself, both good and bad, in each relationship and each relationship has propelled me closer to not only my authentic self but also my authentic vocation within a loving plan.
In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being true to our self is more important than the survival of the relationship! Let me illustrate this by using Stendhal’s and Roland’s seven stages of a love relationship:
relationship12n1. ADMIRATION “I really admire you as a person”
2. BEGINNING OF DESIRE “I think I’d like to get to know you better.”
3. HOPE “I hope you feel the same way about me”
4. INCEPTION OF LOVE  I think I’m falling in love with you ”
5. FIRST CRYSTALLIZATION  “I see the beauty and perfection within you”
6. DOUBT, FEAR AND/OR JEALOUSY, ANGER AND RESENTMENT “You’re going to hurt me or betray me like others have
This is where Stendhal ended his six stages of love for it is the stage where most, if not all, emotional relationships end with mutual anger, resentment or fear submerging all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier childhood or relationship hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face with the same decisions we made at that time to repress and deny our deepest feelings ~ because there was seemingly no-one there for us. We can either run, as most people do, or go inside and go through these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability and connecting these feelings and stop being a victim! You cannot escape stage six until you are willing to go inside, take total accountability for your actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great courage but the payoff is immense! Resentment doesn’t heal! Anger doesn’t heal! Only love and gratefulness truly heal!
7. ROLAND’S SECOND CRYSTALLIZATION “I feel the beauty and perfection within myself and I’m sharing it with you and the world “
This Stage cannot be accomplished unless we realize our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness as well as our innate connection with the world.
Until I let go I cannot grow “, Great love can both take hold and let go.”  When you let go in relationship, you do not let go of the love. To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love your partner. Your self respect will be your guide. You must reach the place where you can say that it’s more important that I love myself than you loving me. Conscious love (non-possessive, non-dependent and unconditional love) is rarely obtained between humans. The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the wish that the object should arrive at its own innate perfection ~ regardless of the consequences to the lover or partner. It is total unconditional love and when we come from this place we are embracing our spiritual essence and a state of soul consciousness deepest within ourselves. The paradox of this attitude is that such love always invokes eventually a similar attitude in its objects because we all seek, at the deepest level, to be unconditionally loved. As such, when we allow love to be our guiding intention through our thoughts and feelings and learn to trust unconditional love ~ we begin to see through clearer eyes and all things come into perfect balance and harmony.
Jesus consciously or unconditionally loved and the reason we have never forgotten him is because that same capacity to consciously love and be loved lies deepest within each one of us ~ but many of us have looked outside and externalized it versus going inside and internalize it as I do with my clients as a heart centered counselor and therapist.
The whole process of graphically seeing my life as a quest, of thanking all the people who have been gifts in my life, of taking full accountability for all my decisions(both good and bad) in my life as well as fully claiming my own gifts is an act of supreme courage and is, in essence, the human path of the hero ~ for we are all innately heroes in the eyes of a loving plan in action (God).
The path to the soul is always through doors of fear and most of those fears appear in relationship. You don’t realize those fears are illusions until you stop denying love and go through them. Only then can you truly claim the greatest gift ~ yourself.
Only then can you become a fragment of life’s heart and transcend time and space in the process ~ for the hearts’ desire is to love so deeply that we become one with a Unified Field of love and soul consciousness as well as claim our part in an evolving loving plan and always from a place of inner celebration and delight.
Love is the transmutation agent by which we eventually break free from the suffocating cocoon of ego consciousness and emerge into the freedom and delight of soul consciousness ~ and relationship is the vehicle we ride to that self-fulfilling destination.
As such, the search for love eventually leads to our true self.
Union, the true upward union in the spirit, ends by establishing the elements it dominates in their own perfection: Teilhard de Chardin

About the Author: Freelance Alternative Press Online columnist and transformational counselor Allen L Roland is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements and private Skype consultations Allen L Roland is a practicing psychotherapist, author and lecturer who also shares a daily political and social commentary on his web log and website He also guest hosts a monthly national radio show TRUTHTALK on



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Allen L Roland, PhD is a Freelance Alternative Press Online columnist. He is also a heart-centered spiritual consultant, author, and lecturer who also shares a weekly political and social commentary on his website at He also guest hosts Truthtalk, a national radio show that airs monthly. He is available for comments, interviews, speaking engagements as well as private consultations via email at Roland is a twin who was born in Boston, Massachusetts, survived a dysfunctional family, pursued and lived his dreams, including becoming a Navy supersonic carrier pilot, finding himself by fully opening his heart, writing three books, siring four children ~ and still living his ultimate dream by making a difference from a place of love, celebration, and service. His Ph.D. dissertation THE UNIFIED FIELD was chosen by Common Boundary and Noetic Science Institute, in their 1998 national dissertation contest, as one of the top three finalists for combining spirituality and psychology. His ongoing heart-centered work as a consultant with veterans with PTSD is the most satisfying work of his life. Allen's online newsletter, columns, and radio broadcasts are committed to the truth ~ as he sees it ~ for only the truth is revolutionary.