The Christmas Ghost of Life Insurance


Today I’m going to tell you a story. Since the festive season is nigh upon us, I’m in the festive mood (clearly, since I just used the word nigh) and I thought it would be great to let my creative juices flow and narrate a classic, traditional Christmas time story, and the best part? It stars 3 ghosts! So fill up those glasses, make sure you’ve had a bite to eat and wrap yourself up in some warm blankets because it’s story time!

So everyone’s heard of a Christmas carol right, Ebenezer Scrooge and all that? Well if you have, good on ya mate as they say down under, and if you haven’t, don’t worry, because I’m going to recount it anyway, or at least one of the most crucial bits. It had a moral then, and it has an extra moral now thrown in for good measure (hey we gotta adapt to modern times right?) so pay attention! There’ll be a quiz at the end (no there won’t! maybe…) anyway here it is.

The Christmas Ghosts of Life Insurance

 Here I am, sitting at the bar, laying into glasses of scotch, back to back. Why? Well my wife and I just fought. She keeps nagging me about how I shouldn’t blow all my salary on trinkets, baubles and stupid little gifts for our 4 children. Well excuse me for trying to earn the ‘greatest dad’ coffee mug they bought me for my birthday! Anyway, I told her, Carpe Diem babe, just live in the moment, but that just made things worse apparently. So here I am drowning my sorrow in (admittedly expensive) scotch. Anyway, I should get going now, don’t want to spend the night on the couch do we now? I get up to leave, find that the scotch has gone straight to my head, and the last thing I remember is the bar-top flying towards my forehead really fast (although it probably was the other way around in hindsight).

Next thing I remember, I’m in a dark alley, I can’t make out where I am and how I got there, and suddenly a ghost appears (no really, he was kinda transparent, and confirmed his ethereal disposition soon enough) So I go, ‘hey, you floatey-patotey is this a dream? Am I dead?’ and he goes, ‘I am the ghost of Christmas past’ so I go, ‘woah context bro, it isn’t even Christmas’ so G1 (it’s easier that way) says ‘well it’s right around the corner, isn’t it wise guy?’

Me: wow attitude much?

G1: stop interrupting and listen; I am the ghost of Christmas past

Me: cool, what do you want?

G1: to remind you of the time your dad died

Me: Hold up Casper that escalated a bit quickly didn’t it?

G1: shut up! Anyway, do you remember how you survived without him, like financially?

Me: yeah! And a vision swims over my eyes: dad’s service, mom’s crying and I’m sobbing too. We get home and mom checks the mail, there’s a letter from the insurance company, dad’s policy kicked in, we won’t have to worry about money. I’m still devastated, but at least I don’t have to drop out of college, and mom and I are taken care of. Dad’s brilliant like that, looking after us, even from beyond the grave.

Poof! He was gone, just like that! So here I am thinking, that was weird, but okay let’s see about where I am now when bam! There’s a another one, and this guy is scarier than the first, I don’t know how, I but I can sense he’s no good.

G2: I am the ghost of Christmas Present. Same rules – keep your mouth shut, and watch.

Me: the next vision is of the present day. I’m working hard, partying harder. No time for the kids, they have the latest games and stuff, but no dad. Even post work I’m out with the boys. Drinking, going to games. The money’s good, but that’s nowhere near enough to make me earn the ‘world’s best dad’ coffee mug! I’m such a douche! Man this is hard to watch. I sometimes go to the occasional baseball match or recital when the wife’s nagging reaches boiling point, but that’s it.

Boom! He was gone too, and this time there wasn’t any lag either, he was immediately replaced by a third ghost, and this guy was ‘Dementor from Harry Potter’ scary. In fact I’m pretty sure he was a Dementor, except transparent and of course, he spoke.

G3: Silence! Behold what lays in store for your future you wretched creature (hypocrite!) for I am the Ghost of Christmas future.

Me: This vision is horrible! There I am lying dead in a pool of my own blood at the bar, (I knew I was dead! damn you Casper). Next thing you know, my oldest kid is dropping out of school and working at the gas station, and hanging out with a bunch of tools. The wife is working two jobs. This is not good. Then I see my ‘world’s greatest dad’ mug fall slowly, it shatters, and I wake up.

Phew, it was only a dream, I passed out at the bar, and the shattering mug was actually my glass of scotch. I run home, hug my wife and kids, and apologize profusely for mixing up my priorities. I also get online, check out an insurance quotes website, (AccuQuote, IntelliQuote? I can’t remember which!) And buy a life insurance policy.

The moral is, this Christmas, give your family the gift of future security, and buy life insurance. Oh and also, don’t ever forget:

If there’s somethin’ strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!


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