A Gold Star Family Holiday

How does a Gold Star Family celebrate the holidays?
by Amy Branham

A Gold Star Family is a family who has had a member of their immediate family killed in the line of duty during a time of war.  At the time of this writing, there were 3,892 Gold Star Families just since the beginning of the war (or occupation) of Iraq.  In my group, Gold Star Families Speak Out, we also include the families of those men and women who have taken their own lives. 

So, just how does a Gold Star Family celebrate the holidays?  The answer is most of us do not.  At least not for the first couple of years.

This is the time of year when family togetherness is so cherished; rich with tradition and memories, and these things are simply too much for a Gold Star family to bear.  It is a deeply depressing time of year because, after all, one of those we love dearest in the world is not with us anymore and will not ever be with us again.  At a time when family togetherness, happy feelings and “Peace On Earth” are shoved down our throats, we literally just want to either stay in bed until January 2nd or run away and hide in some far corner of the universe somewhere until it’s all over…

The first holiday season after my son, Jeremy, died, I was shopping in a Target and saw a shirt I just knew he would have loved.  I reached for that shirt, then pulled my hand back in dismay as I realized what I was about to do.  I was going to buy that shirt for Jeremy.  It had not yet fully sunk into my brain, although he had been gone for ten months by then, that he was not coming home for Christmas. 

My family has continued to at least go through the motions of the holiday, even if our hearts haven’t quite been in it.  Personally, I have done this in large part for my daughters, those who are left living in my family, who have always loved Christmas and all the traditions our family always celebrated.  It was important to them that Mom put up the tree and the decorations, cook Christmas Eve dinner and be among the living for them.  Their world was going to be okay as long as Mom at least seemed okay from the outside.  That was important to me. 

It’s gotten easier over the years (this will be our third year without Jeremy), in large part because of a grandson who lights up our days and makes it worthwhile.

Other families, though, do not celebrate the holidays.  I’ve known of some who really do run away to the farthest place they can find until after the New Year.  Others stay home in bed and watch TV.  Some do not put up trees or lights or buy gifts.  And many ask, especially the first year or so, that others not buy them gifts, send cards or invite them to parties. 

There is a certain amount of guilt associated with the holiday season for Gold Star Families.  We feel guilty for being alive when the one we love is dead.  We feel guilty because we are not happy when we’re supposed to be full of those happy happy, joy joy thoughts and attitudes.  We feel guilty because we are not buying gifts, nor do we feel up to participating in all of those things we used to do.  Please, do not add to all of this.  Just let us be and try your best to understand.

And, NEVER, EVER tell someone who is mourning that they need to get over it and get on with their lives. They will, eventually.  But this is a healing process and for most of us, it takes years.

Families should ALWAYS respect the wishes of those Gold Star Families who do not wish to participate in the Holiday festivities.  They have their reasons.  If they do not want cards or gifts, do not buy them or send them.  It would be selfish on your part to insist on doing so and not respecting their wishes.  What would be appropriate, however, and probably much appreciated, is a phone call to say “I was thinking of you today.”

If you just cannot let the holiday go by without buying a gift, maybe an appropriate gift would be to donate to the family’s favorite charity in the loved one’s memory.  This relieves the family of any guilt of not buying gifts, but is a thoughtful, helpful thing to do.

Be prepared, above all, to listen to the family member talk about the one who is not there with them any longer.  They need to talk and relive their memories, especially at first when they are so fresh.  This is a vitally important and part of the healing process.  We are so afraid that our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. will be forgotten over time!  We want to remember them and to have them be remembered.  So let us talk about them and our memories, the good times and the bad.

With the New Year, it is my wish, my hope and my dream that this war will end, we can bring our sons and daughters home to be with their families, and we will take care of them when they do finally come home.  I do not want our nation to have any more Gold Star Families.

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