This deserves a life sentence

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By Dave Barry

It is with great verisimilitude that we present another installation of “Ask Mister Language Person, ” the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and unwanted body hair. This is the ONLY language column to receive the coveted Lifetime Bathroom Pass from The American Society of University Professors Who Are Never in Their Offices.

We will commence the onset of today’s column by beginning with our first question, which concerns a basic rule of business grammar:

Q. What is the proper way to begin a formal letter?

A. The proper beginning, or “salutatorian, ” for a formal business letter is: “Dear Mr. Or Ms. Bob Johnson As The Case May Be.” This should be followed by a small dab of imported mustard.

Q. What if the person’s name is not “Bob Johnson”?

A. Then he or she will just have to change it.

Q. What is the correct way to conclude a formal business letter to a cable-television company?





A. “I Spit On Your Billing Department.

Read more classic Dave Barry at The Miami Herald

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