Much Ado about Helen Thomas
By Israel Shamir
Every second headline with the word “Jews” in it has also the word “outrage.” In 0.27 seconds Google offered 8,230,000 entries for “outraged Jews”, fifty times more per head than there are outraged French. The reasons are much more varied, too. A Frenchman was outraged over a photo of man wiping his butt on his nation’s flag. A Jew is outraged over the Vatican’s comparisons, over the Turk who responded “fuck you” to a polite demand to surrender, by New Zealand that banned kosher slaughter and even by a visit of a Croat singer to Australia. Now they are outraged about Helen Thomas.
What’s so special about Helen Thomas’ words? In the same week, Israeli Jewish Knesset members told the Palestinian lady Knesset Member from Nazareth to “go back to Gaza” and nobody got excited. Moreover, every one of us is occasionally being told to “go back” to wherever he or she came from. It is unpleasant, but such a minor scuffle is not enough to work oneself up into outrage. Our friends and colleagues in the media had tried to explain, justify or extol her remark, but it was actually the kind of trivial aside normal people would just brush off without thinking twice.
So why did the Jews get outraged to such an extent that even President Obama had to get involved?
Could this unique Jewish ability to become outraged be connected with another unique quality, that of getting rich?
Perhaps we misread them and these guys are always purple in the face not because of indignation – but of constipation?
This insight makes a lot of sense – just think about it! A typical outraged Jew is Mortimer Zuckerman, a billionaire and media mogul whose ferocious outbursts of rage are accommodated by his own newspapers. He made his money by real estate speculation; probably he made many Americans homeless before switching to Palestinians.
Or consider the super-banksters Goldman Sachs, big-time supporters of ADL, the chief vengeance and indignation body. Guy Rolnik, the editor-in-chief of the leading financial supplement the Haaretz newspaper (The Marker) wrote (29.4.2010):
“Like Shakespeare’s traitors Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Goldman Sachs is a fortress of smoke and mirrors, of deception and illusion. Goldman’s managers enter top levels of the US Administration … a huge octopus that was the model for the Hollywood image of a Corporation that embraces and penetrates all levels of government in conspiracy movies… The company was established by two Jews from Germany, and a huge majority of its managers in the past and in the present are and were good and surely wealthy Jews. This is to be regretted, for I suspect that one day, when somebody will list stars and players of the great financial disaster 2008’ he will end up with a catalogue strikingly similar to the big Manhattan synagogue contributors’ register, – or to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion…”
Such Jews are so rich they hire lesser men like Abe Foxman to express outrage for them. And so he does: not a single day passes by without some expression of Foxman’s indignation.
Rich Jews did not become rich just because they are smart. Jewish genius Dr. Sigmund Freud had explained such financial prowess as an early reluctance to part with feces. In plain words, these rich guys are full of shit.
And indeed there are exceptions. There are generous Jews who easily part with dough – for the Palestinian cause and for other good causes. There are nominal Jews who never got enough money to bother, but nobody listens to their indignation if any. And there are guys like me who are just not good at being outraged, though sometimes one should.
When the Jews were poor, in the beginning of 20th century, they never expressed outrage; rather, they had some fun over their misfortunes. Even a severely beaten, nay, dying Jew would reply to a question whether it hurts with the standard “only when I laugh”. Too much money had spoiled them: they became too serious and prone to indignation – and constipation. Money should come and go, easy and free. Do not accumulate it – and avoid even righteous indignation, it is not healthy.
The Talmud tells of a R. Judah b. Ila’i who was always purple in the face. A Roman lady remarked to him that such a face is a sign of a usurer or of a pig breeder. He replied to her: “there are 24 toilets between my home and the place of study and I try them all on my way.” The Roman lady was not aware of the ADL and other professionally outraged Jews, unless of course she considered them to be a class of pig breeders.
Now, when a simple physiological explanation of Jewish indignation is established, we do not have to give it all that much thought. The next time Foxman expresses indignation over Helen Thomas’ bigotry or your antisemitism, let’s just ask him quietly: “Have you tried an enema?”
 The Israel Shamir Newsletterof 11 June 2010: http://www.israelshamir.net/index.htm