I LOVE Big Brother – So Don’t Bother Torturing Me!


by Kevin Barrett


Lots of people these days sign “living wills.” These are documents that basically say: If I ever become a permanent human vegetable, with no discernible brain activity, and no hope of recovery, PLEASE pull the plug on me.

Under that standard, they ought to pull the plug on everybody who watches Fox News, listens to Rush Limbaugh, thinks The Progressive and The Nation and Mother Jones and Democracy Now are actually alternative media, or believes the official story of 9/11. If we got all those people to sign living wills, and then held them to it, we could put a big dent in the population problem while greatly improving the gene pool.

The concept of the “living will” could also be applied to the issue of torture. Just as you might wake up some day as a human vegetable – who knows, bad things do happen to good people – you might likewise wake up some day strapped to a gurney in a cage in Guantanamo with spark plug wires hooked to your testicles. If that happened, wouldn’t it be great if you could say: “Don’t bother torturing me, I’ve already signed a document giving you everything you could possibly need!”

Yes, it is unlikely that you will become a torture victim, just as it is unlikely that you will become a human vegetable (unless you start watching Fox News, etc.). But it is not impossible. Every day at breakfast, the President signs off on a list of people who are to be extra-judicially kidnapped, tortured, and/or murdered. Under our system of law, these are all innocent people, just like you. There is no reason why, one day, you won’t find yourself on that list.

According to some estimates, as many as 100,000 innocent people have been kidnapped and tortured by US forces since 9/11. Several of them have been tortured into “confessing” to explosively demolishing the three World Trade Center skyscrapers with box-cutters, as well as a long list of other crimes that they could not possibly have committed.

So you really should consider signing a “Living Will in Case of Torture.” Feel free to use mine as a model. It is entitled: “I LOVE Big Brother – so don’t bother torturing me!”

I LOVE Big Brother – so don’t bother torturing me! A living will in case of torture

I, Dr. Kevin J. Barrett, do hereby solemnly affirm that if I should ever find myself strapped to a gurney in a cage in Guantanamo with spark plug wires clamped to my testicles, it shall be absolutely and utterly unnecessary, pointless, and superfluous to torture me, since, if that eventuality should ever ensue, I hereby swear to the following:

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*That all those times I said that 9/11 was an inside job, I was just kidding. OF COURSE I don’t really believe that conspiracy theory nonsense!

*That all those times I said that the 9/11 wars were genocidal wars of aggression, I didn’t really mean it. Actually, the people of Iraq and Afghanistan WANTED us to invade and occupy their countries, murder kidnap and torture their young men, rape their women and children, and steal their resources! That’s why they welcomed us with flowers and ticker-tape parades!

*That it was really very rude of me to insult Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Daniel Pipes, and all those other nice men I’ve treated so boorishly on television.

*That I think it’s perfectly okay for the President and his Death Committee to sign off on extra-judicial murder, kidnapping and torture, just like the Bill of Rights tells him to.

*That I would like to apologize to the State of Israel and its American agents, who, contrary to some of my ill-considered assertions, are ruling America wisely and justly. I would especially like to commend their monopoly mainstream media, which are doing a terrific job informing Americans about what is really going on in the world.

*And finally, that I hereby confess to any and all crimes ever committed anywhere by anyone, including but not limited to: The Jack the Ripper murders, the Lindberg baby kidnapping, the JFK RFK MLK and Wellstone assassinations, the “terrorist” attacks in New York, Washington, Bali, Madrid, London, and Mumbai, the massacres in Aurora, Newtown, and the Wisconsin Sikh temple, and everything else you’d like to ask me about.

*And by the way, would you like to know the location of that nuclear “ticking time bomb” that will soon blow up a whole city if I don’t tell you where it is? It’s an Israeli mini-nuke, and it’s hidden right up Alan Dershowitz‘s rectum. If you send a SWAT team up there now, they might be able to defuse it in time.

Solemnly signed on this 21st day of January 2013

Kevin Barrett

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