Government shuts down! Drones grounded, NSA shuttered; dogs, Syrians and pot-smokers safe? NOT!
Warning: This article is mere satire. It is harmless when taken as directed. If you want to read something serious, please check out my new Press TV article “Holocaust of Lies: Mainstream media sends truth to the gas chambers.”
Last night, when the government announced it was shutting down, dogs, drone victims, Syrians, and pot-smokers all breathed a sigh of relief.
“Woof! Guess that means I won’t be shot down by a canine-phobic cop,” said Arf Landon, a bull poodle from Queens, New York.
Arf’s owner, dedicated pot-smoker Ricardo “Cheech” Marimba, added that he was pleased to hear that he wouldn’t be dragged away in handcuffs while Arf was writhing in mortal agony with a cop’s bullet in his guts.
People in Syria reacted with joy to the news that the US government had shut down. “Bibi can’t make the US Air Force bomb us if the bases are closed and the pilots have gone fishing,” said Nour Jamil, a shop-owner who lives near a Syrian government building. “I think my life expectancy just increased by at least a decade.”
Along with the Syrian life insurance industry and its clients, Afghani wedding caterers celebrated the news of the US government’s demise. “We’re going to throw the biggest mass wedding celebration ever held in Afghanistan,” said Salman Khan, owner of Tribal Areas Gourmet Caterers, Inc. “The US government shutdown means that our wives and kids won’t be blown to bits any more by cowards hiding behind video game consoles somewhere in the American Southwest.”
Unfortunately, the celebrations may be premature. Legal expert John Whitehead has pointed out that all of the most obscenely evil things the government does have been exempted from the shutdown. Drone attacks, the domestic surveillance police state, and even the potential bombing of Syria are not being shut down.
Even canine-phobic cops can continue shooting pets without worrying about losing their paychecks, since the state and local governments that pay their salaries are not part of the federal shutdown.
All that will happen is that members of the military, along with the relative handful of federal employees providing essential goods and services, will get their paychecks late.
If we want to see a REAL government shutdown, and cap the American Holocaust* at 55-60 million people, we’ll have to do it ourselves.
*The “American Holocaust” is a term coined by historian William Blum for the murder of millions of people around the world by US military and CIA “interventions” since World War II. According to André Vltchek and Noam Chomsky’s new book Western Terrorism: From Hiroshima to Drone Warfare, the total number of people murdered by the US and its stooges since World War II is between 55 and 60 million. For details, listen to my brand-new interview with André Vltcheck.