Just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, a new terrorist spin-off has emerged from the cauldron of Middle East chaos. Their goal: Spreading stupidity, incompetence, evil, and utter lunacy to the farthest ends of the earth.
These terrorists have split with the ultra-radical Takfiris, who in their view are not stupid, incompetent, or insane enough – and who basically are just not working hard enough to smear the image of Islam and Muslims on behalf of global Zionism.
The new group calls itself the Faktiris (pronounced Fuk-TEE-reez). Basically, they are Takfiris who can’t even get their name right. Their mascot is a colorful mallard named Fup Duck, who has quacked loudly protesting the use of his name, and is said to be considering a lawsuit.
The Faktiris have made headlines vaunting their hour-long marriage contracts with “jihad brides” – which in several cases turned out to be sheep, donkeys, or in one instance a tranquilized female hyena. Their lust to capture and “marry” anything female in their path reminds observers of another ISIS spin-off, Beaucoup Haram, which has been accused of raping whole barnyards full of chickens in Nigeria.
The Faktiris have sworn allegiance to a shadowy figure who calls himself Ibn Himar. In an exclusive interview conducted from an undisclosed location, Ibn Himar explained the group’s goals and strategies.
First there was al-Qaeda, which tried to win hearts and minds by blowing up innocent people and more-or-less accepting blame for crimes it didn’t commit – like 9/11, 7/7, Madrid, Bali, Mumbai, the JFK assassination and the Lindberg baby kidnapping. Then al-Qaeda turned Takfiri – it declared that everyone who didn’t share its narrow, sectarian theology was an infidel with a choppable head. Next, along came ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) saying that al-Qaeda wasn’t extreme enough – only people who rip out the inner organs of dead enemies and devour them with relish live on camera qualify as believers. In light of this steady march toward extremism and insanity, which apparently isn’t enough for you, what are you and your Faktiris trying to accomplish?
We feel that ISIL didn’t go far enough by declaring the inner organs of dead enemies hallal, meaning religiously permissible. In our view, for the duration of our jihad, all other foods EXCEPT the inner organs of dead enemies are haram, meaning religiously forbidden. From now on, anyone who eats anything other than the inner organs of a dead enemy will have his head chopped off forthwith.
What are you going to do with all those heads?
Make head cheese, of course.
But wouldn’t that head cheese be haram? After all, you said the only halaal food is the inner organs of dead enemies.
Yes, of course it’s haram. That’s the whole point. When someone eats the head cheese, we chop off HIS head too. Then we make more head cheese. This forms a self-regenerating cycle of nutrients. We’ll be able to feed an army! Onward to Baghdad!
The interview ended at this point, as Ibn Himar chopped off the interviewer’s head and devoured his heart, liver, spleen, and a couple of unmentionable organs while filming himself with his cell phone camera and posting the results on youtube.