I used to think ISIS or Islamic State or whatever they’re calling themselves this week was a false-flag operation against Islam. Why else would they deem all Muslims except themselves infidels, declare war on Muslims rather than Zionists, destabilize governments that stand up to Zionists and imperialists, and take selfies while cannibalizing corpses and beheading people?
Normally people post flattering images of themselves on youtube and social media sites. When someone posts a photo or video of him- or herself chopping off heads or chewing corpse liver, you can usually assume it’s a false flag by one of that person’s enemies.
But then I got a call from Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, self-proclaimed Commander of the Faithful and Grand Poobah of Headchoppers and Liverchompers. The Caliph said he was calling me from his special CIA-enhanced Rolex wristwatch phone. He wanted to know why I was badmouthing Islamic State.
I told him that every Muslim leader on earth has heaped scorn on his pathetic little false flag operation; that he wasn’t fooling anybody; and that if he wanted some tips on how to stage a convincing fake beheading he should contact rock icon Alice Cooper.
The Caliph patiently weathered my tirade. Then he explained: “It isn’t a false flag operation, Kevin. It’s a false flag false flag operation.”
“On the surface, it looks like a false flag operation against Muslims. In fact, everything about ISIS fairly screams ‘false flag operation.’ But that’s just the cover story.”
I wasn’t buying it. “Listen, Caliph, everybody knows ISIS is part of the ‘hornet’s nest’ strategy of attracting young, stupid, hot-headed Muslims to one place – the Syria-Iraq border – so they can be decimated…while destabilizing those countries, demonizing Muslims, keeping the ‘war on terror’ narrative alive, wreaking havoc on the House of Islam and inviting more Western intervention.”
“That’s just the short term,” the Caliph said. “Think about the long-term.”I thought about it and drew a blank.
“So what happens after all the hotheaded morons attracted to Islamic State get decimated?” he asked.
“You tell me,” I said.
“The Muslim gene pool gets weeded, and the average IQ of the world’s Muslims rises twenty points! By eliminating the DNA of these cretins, we’ll be in a position to conquer the world in just a few generations!”
After complimenting the Caliph on the far-sightedness of his supreme wisdom, I hung up.
Then I dialed Rita Katz’s number.”Rita, you’re never going to believe this…!”