Why Can’t I Own a Canadian?


A Letter to Dr. Laura Schlesinger


By Michael Chester


People come up with all sorts of rationalizations for their bigotry and hatred of those different than themselves. Religion is often used as such a justification. 

These people select small, out of context, passages from their holy book of choice to rationalize their bigotry.

The old and new testaments of the Bible contain many contradictory passages. I am sure that this can also be said about other religious books. By a careful selection process, anything can be religiously justified. One often quoted from the Old Testament is “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

This passage is used to justify revenge, but the real history behind that passage comes from Mosaic law. Prior to this being stated, the punishment for crimes as minor as taking food to feed one’s family would be death.

This law was an attempt to more properly make the punishment fit the crime. The intent of that passage would more correctly read, “You should not take more than an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth.”

With this selective use of religion in mind, the following letter to Dr. Laura Schlesinger recently appeared. It is intended to be written in a humorous vein, but much truth is disguised as humor. In her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the
internet. It is both funny as well as informative.

 Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination…End of debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev 15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the alter as a sacrifice, I know it creates pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev..1.9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination,  – Lev.11: 10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there lesser ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev.21: 20 states that I may not approach the alter of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples,  even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?  – Lev.24:14. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people that sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20: 14)

I know that you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s Word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M Kauffman,
Ed.D. Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction and Special
Education. University of Virginia

PS. It would be a shame if we could not own a Canadian.

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Michael Chester is retired from his career in industrial technology. After graduating from college, he taught this subject until deciding that he preferred doing the job himself more than teaching it. At various times during his career, he has designed, built, installed, and repaired industrial manufacturing machinery. His specialty was in electrical and electronics controls. After retiring, he concentrated more on his hobby of cooking and attended one of the top culinary schools in the US. Mike competed in bass fishing tournaments for several years, but had to leave the sport due to an injury. As a certified barbecue judge he gets to taste some of the best BBQ in the country and help select the winner. It is a tough job, but someone has to do it. He lives with his wife of over 30 years, has 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren.