What happened to the “Syrian rebels” ?
Even the Western media, no friend of Bashar al-Assad, admits that more and more rebels are accepting Assad’s offer of amnesty and turning in their guns.
So what went wrong?
The Syrian rebellion devoured itself – literally.
According to informed sources, the Syrian rebels have been eating each other.
The cannibalism problem began last year after takfiri “religious authorities” ruled that anyone who doesn’t agree with them “is an unbeliever whose blood is licit.” A little-known addendum to that ruling defined “licit” as “licit as a refreshing, delicious beverage.” The addendum continued: “The flesh of unbeliever is also licit, and quite tasty – especially the internal organs, which can be whipped with a bayonet to make scrumptious ‘battlefield paté.”
Since then, takfiri gourmets have been roaming the rebel-held areas seeking exotic bits of human flesh for their culinary orgies. Unable to kill enough Syrian soldiers to satisfy their appetites, the takfiris have begun excommunicating each other in order to access a more plentiful supply of game. In the process, a new breed of “super-takfiri” has emerged.
“A regular takfiri says that anyone who doesn’t agree with him and his friends is an unbeliever whose flesh and blood are very, very yummy,” explained Akl Luhoom al-Bashar, an anthropologist who studies takfiri cannibalism. “But the new breed of super-takfiri goes one step further. In his view, even the other takfiris hold insufficiently obscurantist misinterpretations of Islam. Therefore, he is allowed, and indeed encouraged, to devour the flesh and blood of anyone other than himself.”
Al-Bashar described how John McCain, during his visit to Syria, was nearly devoured by super-takfiris. “McCain was sitting around a fire, ripping the internal organs out of a soldier’s corpse and roasting them on the flames with his takfiri friends,” al-Bashar recounted. “Suddenly a couple of super-takfiris attacked the encampment waving steak knives and shish-kabob skewers. Fortunately for McCain, they started eating each other instead of him, allowing him to slip away and save himself.”
And now, according to al-Bashar, even the super-takfiris are being superseded in their extremism. “There is a new breed out there calling themselves the super-duper takfiris. They go even farther than the super-takfiris. They say EVERYONE is an unbeliever – including themselves – so they are permitted to eat their own flesh. Dozens have been committing hari-kari on the battlefield in order to feast on their own internal organs.”
As the takfiris devour their comrades and themselves, non-takfiri Syrian rebels have increasingly opted to save themselves by accepting Assad’s offer of amnesty. “I’m not a huge fan of Assad,” one of them explained, “but at least he tolerates people whose beliefs differ from his own…and doesn’t eat them.”