Occupied Jerusalem – Dissociated Press (DP)
Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that the Zionist entity formerly known as Israel will henceforth be known as Judaic State (JS), and that he has appointed himself as its Caliph. Netanyahu added that he will also assume the titles “Commander of the Zionist Faithful,” “Grand Poobah of all Jews, Freemasons, and Luciferians,” and “Child-Killer-in-Chief.”
Netanyahu asserted that Judaic State will continue to use systematic terrorism to carve territory out of the region’s legitimate nations, including Palestine, Syria, Jordan, and Lebanon, in service to its ever-expanding Jewish Caliphate. He added that he also hopes to eventually overrun Iraq and Egypt en route to total world domination.
Inspired by the success of Islamic State, Netanyahu said Judaic State will no longer execute Palestinian children with sniper rifles, but instead will capture and behead them and post the videos on youtube. “We must not allow ourselves to fall behind in the atrocity race,” Caliph Netanyahu announced. “Killing children for sport with sniper rifles, dropping white phosphorous on civilians, frying women and children with experimental weapons, and bombing schools, hospitals and refugee shelters – it’s all good; but these acts, however barbaric, are simply not as telegenic as beheadings. From now on, heads will roll.”
Netanyahu said that under its new name, Judaic State will continue its decades-long policy of brutally persecuting everyone who questions its rigidly intolerant and exclusivist Judaic ideology. “Anti-Zionists? They’re heretics!” he exclaimed. “Off with their heads!”
Chewing on a piece of kosher human liver blessed by Israel’s leading rabbis Yitzhak Shapira and Yosef Elitzur, Netanyahu showed reporters his shiny new Rolex wristwatch inscribed with the legend “I’m a Caliph too.”
From the heart of his Islamic State caliphate in northern Iraq, Netanyahu’s rival terrorist caliph, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, denied allegations that Judaic State was just a cheap rip-off of his own idea. “Doesn’t bother me in the least,” al-Baghdadi said. “The more caliphates the merrier.” He added that he would not be suing Netanyahu for plagiarism, since he himself was not only indoctrinated, armed and trained by the Zionists, but his original inspiration for carving out an intolerant, exclusivist terrorist enclave was inspired by the history of Israel.